Trying to adapt...but not adapt

huka: is contemplating going to the beach for an hour or so.

2011-10-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

I yearn for the sea.

I want to be its blue-green push and pull me into a floating world, where my head breathes in the cool sweat from my pores, and I drown in the lucid memory of calm oceans calling.

Falling, that’s what I do when I force myself into an airless space, where the pace of the voices in my head yell in six-foot waves that I’ll never get anywhere, and that I’ll always be stuck on the land of the dreaded dead stopped.

My heart gets popped as my lungs bleed with fears of frowning.
I whisper in my ear… “you’ll be fine, just go for a run a mile a minute and you’ll be in it”.

I want this self doubt to gulp in salinised liquid, and suffocate. Instead it salivates over the banquet of my drowning.

I swim to the surface and face the certainty that if I cannot hear my own whispers over my own yelling voices then I will drown in the blackness of stuck in yesterday was only a day away, I won’t play that way anymore.

Let me hear the roar of my blue-green push and pull me floating on an ebb of contented self-belief.

I yearn for the sea.

So, last Thursday night I watched Fame…the new version which is pretty alright considering it doesn’t have Irene Cara in it… and then afterward, I watched Project Runway.

huka can haka

2011-09-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

At night the ocean calls me in...singing "huka, huka, can you haka?"

Can I candy?

Eye candy I am green eggs and spam spattering in the fry pan's grease.

Peace, I never knew it,
I never found its island shore.

What a bore floating slack, as the tide changes tune.

I want to swoon and feel my heart beat fast, feel the lips of another lover's empty past, another mask carved out of mud and thatch.

Then we two can match.

dusk and dawn in the seventh direction

2011-07-03T02:33:00.000-07:00

Dusk and dawn at the midnight hour, sour me not I forgot the rot of her traumatranny past.

At last, a reprieve, a glad moment in an age of yearning.

In between days and nights I sit...in transit again. My inbetweeness is my strength.

Here I sit on the bridge that my father used to joke about when I was young. He'd laugh when he'd tell me about the old lady who lost her taonga as she peered into the river below. Opotiki. Indeed, oh poor me, I've lost my Tiki again... but not really, only an ocean of shimmer and dreams lies between us.

These are the times I love the best; when the formless night erases all sight. In the mist I must persist onward, ever forward and backward, left and right, up and down, in all six directions till I find myself firmly heading toward the seventh. Inward flow...glitter glamour show.

The seventh direction is my favourite, it's the elusive one I can never find until I mind myself in the centre and navigate my way inward. I count among my ancestors the greatest navigator known in the story of my people and imagine myself in his place, going ever outward to find a solid place within to stand and claim for myself.

That's where I'm at in this inbetween place of airports, dusk and dawn, zeros and ones. Flick the switches off and on, daydreams come, nightmares be gone.

wait and sea

2011-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

So there's this banging throb inside, and it echoes like the tuneless drone of cars that pass the window every five seconds. Loud. There's no subtle overlay of daily meandering today...

Just the banging throb that echoes and tells me I feel a little empty.

Sometimes I look to my left where bereft harmonies fill the silent space that stares back at me; a banging throb has taken it's place. I don't like my ashen face that tries to flesh out the echo with its own robotic droning on and on like an endless rambling song of mechanical ticks and bumps and grinds, only to find the answer is all zeros and ones.

Those are some lonely digits betch.

ET phone homo again, the grass is greener on the other side of the buds I've been smoking lately. If only there was a nice chunk of grass and a ray of heat and tan.

Man, I wanna flow like a river.

I wanna crawl outta my mountain of skin and carve myself some new scars so I can drain out some living memories and replace them with bricks and mortar. I imagine myself building a channel of scars through this city, replacing memories of yesterday's smiles with orange coloured bricks that absorb all the heat. Beat me down to a waylaid puddle that got plucked from the torrent. Putrify and stagnate me so that the bruised yellow and green moldering stains of tides gone by can escape to the dessert surface of life as I always remember it.

Let the rain come and wash me to the Northern sea, so that the echoing banging becomes filled with the wind and the roar of a digit lonely no more.

Kebab shop city nitty gritty

2011-06-15T01:12:00.000-07:00

This city has so much edge you could slip and cut urself on dogcrap if you sauntered just a millimeter either side of your direct course...
Madcap! Cos there's nothing like a direct course here, in fact I've never felt so lost and found in an instant. Ever!

Last night I walked around in circles and squares, daring to hazard a guess at where I might be. I think you coulda put me in a maze in a snowglobe and shaken me up and down and then asked me to find a needle in a praystack and I would have had a better chance of orienting myself. I was like, "um, i'm sure we just walked from this way, so if we just walk back I'm sure we're on track"... only to find I was lost again.

The only constant was the constantly shifting moon...soon to be hidden so how can you even trust the luck of that? Although, I must admit, I've never felt luckier. Yah, fuck ya dayze and nights of wandering lost, wondering if I'm just a walking ghost, making the most of the toast and jam, green eggs and spam. Hmmm, what is that emerald drink that everyone seems to be drinking at the bars? And the cars, tiny little boxes on wheels that fly by night past the heights of rose coloured brick abodes. Toads and frogs, no hedgehogs, though lots of spike and prickling grit.

I think I'm found I love this shit.

fly me across america

2011-06-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

The orange tinted silver-gray candyfloss dreams, screen the ancient rockpiles that span the land below.

Hello aged whenua that stretches from here to there, yet goes nowhere.

A tear erupts from a maze of emotionless ducts, flowing, hidden by the impenetrable mask of my face, like the dead rivers that echo their silent meanderings across the landscape of the dreams I never had...until now.

Shit betch, holy cow, how did I never sleep to imagine the depths; the eroded highs and lows of the wizened vast continent beneath my flow.

I'm sorry I never imagined your austere beauty and the voiceless cry of your parched goodbye.

I'm sorry I never dreamt of you.

I'm sorry I never imagined your glitter.

But I'm not sorry to cry the hidden tears my eyes emote, as I realise you for the first time ever, and feel the beating of ageless heart, drumming out my future's path.

the world's a stage and i'm plotting the lights

2011-06-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

London is definitely kinda old school cool fool, but kinda classy-roughshod and oh my god. I keep walking the streets thinking... "I'm sure I've been here", knowing I never have. Yah, it's familiar to a T-Bone stake me in the heart and wait for the life to drain outta my veins and into my pint glass. I'm enjoying drinking beer for sure, for jetlagged globe trotting legs it's the failsafe cure, rotting in the cobwebbed lure of the city's manic breath.

Though no fresh air! In fact the air down here's thinner than the scalp of the balding tranny Viola I met last Wednesday, whose epic gash had my eyes glued open shut then open again. Wow, I really felt an affinity for her madness gladness. Even thought she was crazytrain to the core, I could see how for her, it didn't matter how the world was looking in...flapping arms, stripping on stage. She was just proud that she'd become the person she wanted to be, even though that person looked so peculiar. When she first sat next to me I got all colonial on her ass and tried not to have her cold murky alienskin rub up against me too much. But after she'd stripped, I gripped her by the hand and wished her luck. She really deserved that 50 pounds...and I'm pretty sure she probably really needed it to.

Yup, lots of strange juxtapositions of culture here fo sho; new and old mixed in bold letters that scream "I'm a far cry from the city I was...don't remember that I sent my armies and politicians to erase you from your home because I have changed". I wish New Zealand would forget the old England and remember the new one. It's waaaaaaaay more interesting and scary than I always feared it would be. In fact it's so scary it's refreshing. I'm still not convinced that I could live here, but I could definitely give it a try. When the Tate Modern ask me to indigenise the turbine hall, I'll fucking rock this city...again :)

I can't wait to be surprised by France tomorrow.

10 mins to rhyme some things.

2010-07-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, this week has kinda been going to plan but I must admit that every time I walk into the studio to paint I get distracted by the million other things I have to doinaday. Urgh, hateitmate.

So yah, 10 mins then I'm off this fucking comspewter sorting my daily shizz. AM BAM THANK YOU TRANNY.

It's the wierdest thing in the world. I am so full of fire at the moment. Maybe 6months of exhibitions coming out my ears and days of end of allaying fears, and weeks on end of fluness mend has finally put me on a creative bender. I mean, yah, I feel like I've had no studio time whatsoever but the mural unfolding along the wall of my studioslashteachingspace tells a completely different glorystory.

I'm tingling...5 minutes to gowiththeflow, put the plugs in my ears and let the brushes and rags paint the ultimate fagatranny. Dammit. I've just been remined that I really should be setting a good example and attending a talk by a visiting artist rather than enjoying studiotimetoday.

See what I mean.

Timetopaintitgay.

slow down brownfrown :)

2010-07-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

Fuuuuuuck.

The inertia push of this fast moving truck, its trailer's packed a heavy load. Though not so heavy, more like a serenade of ants on parade. My future's made.

I know where its going, I can see the sticky trail, headlights on beam, cuntfail.

Mmmmhmmm.

Yah, slowdown brownboy today is just another day another dither dollar slather. Shudder to my udder's core. Feeling that momemntum's push like never before, no chance to dance nor shut the door. Shut the gate, the world will wait.

So today I'm feeling mighty fine, NO SNOT I'm forgetting my inner-rot that molested my soul...betch I'm on a roll. Yah, today's a good day - just enjoy it all to yourselFISHbetchmess. Slow down nigger. Take some time.

It's pretty fun the day is young. Today and tomorrow and the day after that. Just doing shit and sorting it out. This whole year has been a trial of sorts, and this betchmess was the prosecution, judgejudyjury, defend me to the endless everafterall. And then finally the court session seems like it's over, yah, I won - just a clear path now and the best idea I've ever been having. I'm lovingthiscosmicTSquarecross. Now I just need to slow the fuck down, concentrate on life in the NotDowntown, save, shave and bestbehave. Like it, like it a lot.

Living's hot.

blanketed fuzzhead.

2010-07-24T04:24:00.000-07:00

Eeek, my ulitimate dread this sore on my head. But not even I tell to my heart myselfishbetchmess.

Again and again, this time it finally worked and I'm working and running up that kill me quickly or again not at all.

And then I fall.

But best of all, I had a great day getting a little bit out amongst it. Running through the bush trying to get this flu out of my system I've missed them those trees, the smell of the dampcoldlustthumping foot through mud, the soak of the foliagedrip that trip blanketing my flightless frightmess.

Urgh, I hate the flu. Banish the fucking flu. Anyway. I'm actually starting to feel like a real live person for the first time in a few weeks. Sicktime. Goodtimes for reaching in grabbing the gold while pretending that I'm pickaxescraping the poisonphlemtar from my sinusplates.

Yah, I've had a few good brainspans the past few weeks, considering how shitttttty shittttttty I've been feeling. Some good ideas softly tricking through the mossrock outcrops underfeet the yearning warmth of the wetmoistbush. That's where the good ideas are at. Mmmmhmmm.

The sunwillcomeouttomorrow.

Anyway, it's late and betchmessIreallyneedthebeautysleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Black on trek

2010-07-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well betchMRS the past year has been a beigemess flan I think I can I think I can. Too much to and afroing and not enough time in internetland. Oh,I forgot, that's a good thing. So, last day of a four week holiday and time to get this betchtanman back on track on cosmic plans. So, in an effort to fillinthegap of lackofwriting buzz so far this year here's soomething to ticklemyfancypantz and incursomegenderblur... a monologue performed as part of Reimagining Queer Indigenous Bodies: A Night of Artistic Expression, and also as part of Litmus@Saatchi & Saatchi.

The ballad of Jewell Nivahpipettah, by Emo-Ting FAB – Ngati Trannytron.

Ps - Did I ever tell you about that time I told you I got laid?

I caught more than I bargained for when I was on the run gun son of a motherfuckerbumfucking my way to heaven’s paradise,
knock-knock-a-knocking on my black-ass’ heavenlybrown-
broken into via the back-door.

And I think about it everyday when I remember to dismember my charged loaded unthinking member,
drinking in the hot crossed Pornotubed buns to bare.
Hmmmm,
cross my legs I think, self-hate,
and that way keep in the odorousstinkemanating from my life’s calcified muck fringed bathroom sink.

Then my heavy heart-sinks…
not even a one-step, two-step, third time lucky to blink.
Wankwankwink…

But that’s HIV’s misty cold and golden olden news, always was a nothing in my mind’s eye.
Now, in retrospect,
I’m noting how in the middle of the tidal forced barebacked entry,
I never once entreated protection’s grace,
to keep me from that doctor’s grim face…
treated myself instead to a punch in the lace via a decade’s worth of hundreddollarpillsandmore.
Yup, very expensive tastesnotsosweet when attached to sexual malaise, let’s face it.

But then when you’re brown you tend to match the frown intended,
no pun distended, in self disrespecting disgrace.
Disgusting though it is, I think on some level I’ve never intended to rise above the expectations,
to face the expectant crowds not seeing undesirablesocial underclassliving.
That’s my life’s frosty chilled white undercoat base.

Race card riding hard !!
life’s every detail cooked in lard
then micro-waved to a crunchy cancerous crisp.
Not that I have cancer.
No, no cancer for me…
yet.
But since I’m brown it’s certainly on the cards,
along with heart-attacks, cheap and nasty drug abuse, alcoholism, youth suicide, domestic abuse, and diabetes.
Yah, I’ll die young with a forehead sticker label reading
“DIE –I bet he’s an absentee father to a bunch-o-waitingwelfaredependents”.

I stand myself down, accused of being that Dirtybrownmotherfucker leeching off someone else’s hard earned taxes!
*Faxes note to self to get off the benefit and get a real job*
I’m still such a FOB.

Though, I must admit of late, I’ve been running outta space on my make-up made face. For all these post-it sticky tacky labels that mark the outskirts of my retarded life’s social trace.
Living’s grand when you’re a: *fucked up from living* brown tranny,
drunk unsteady grandstanding on a twisted sister’s stiletto heel,
trying to keep the beat’s unending pace…I think my patch’s gotten moist from lackofmeattoface.

I’ll love it when I’ll look in the middle of the mirroronthe‘morrow,
hoping to borrow enough money, from the businessmen’s bank,
to enable me to find ways to hate on me more.
I would damn buy the whole self obsessed store.
Yup, look in and then glean a glance of the trance enabled on my visage,
a big ol’ label asking me to hate thy Selfishbetchmess for Ex-mas,
learn to spell right nigger ‘cos the system’s bigger than you and you and you
don’t deserve a place in it.
Grin it.
Gun it the sun’s going down.

I’m just a sin commitin’sonofagoodfornothin’savage.
No chance of a salvaged, outtacontrolledemolition…
just as many men, and cheap gin and tonic as this ethanol salved liver can handle a-live.
*Tick tick tock imbibe*
That’s my routine mask inscribed.

Salivareviver, save one for me !!

I’m describing my reflection’s baggage carried,
this chip on my shoulder’s draggage dragging me down to the street level clown
my drag queen’s hand in always empty pockets bag.
Oh, I do love being a dirty brown fag.
Ripping and rolling my daily day’s tolling, extolling my lack of virtues -
by virtue of my virtual Cybertrannypunk trolling.
I love that I get to make art outta me, even for free by tickling Mozilla.
Tranzilla !!

But then that’s how I roll,
cos I cunt afford the paint and canvas to hang it in a gallery.
Digital living’s got me giving the big brown middle finger,
to the berating Queen Elizabeth two’s state.
I actually love that today I can use the net to get a fresh perspective on the life I live, then freely feed it back to the mental classes, as a bottomfeedersfodder.
But then, that’s what I think they pay their taxes for right?

I dooo like to fight; it’s in my blood, beneath the crud,
thousands of years of feet in the mid-battle mud.
Why not I say, so what if I’m *gay*

Not that I am, no ma’am.
Not me, I’m something more than before I got found,
6 feet under the living fucker’s ground.
I’m whakawahine.
In my language, that translates to a big ol’ man: *being like a little lady lay-me*
I’m not gay,
that’s the way the world spins my play and night.
Gay is an unthinking thing, that pops some pills in my midnight drink, bah ha ha,
and beforeIblink, I’m facebookdown in some stinking mire,
unable to link the sentences I think.
Yah, gay to me is something dire, a social disease corrupting my tribal wires crossed confused so regularly used.
Careless caress and then tossed away.
I’m so lucky getting to bear witness to another day, anotherwayoftheworld spins outta control again.

I grin when I remember all those years spent trying to ascertain what part of the world my community spirit was at.
The gay clubs of the globe are sooo full of little brown cubs,
just waiting to get dubbed to death-in-the ass by some homo –
oh-no-you did not just expect me to take it lying flat on my face again,
gulp and drown?
I don’t know,
sometimes I think to Myselfishmess, am I just a betch?
Rich, really, why are you so down on life and being gay, come out to play?
I ponder in my meandering wanderings,
“do I just pander to the ponderous seriousness of it all.
Why can’t I just let my hair down and party party party.

Hearty, I love to party !!
But shitgurl, I’m fucking arty,
and I’ve kinda started cogitating that underneath this trannied up mess, god bless, is a fucking clever brain’s, guess what?
Yah, if I peel back all the bullshit chill the betch out relax and sit,
I can kinda just listen the sounds of my ancestors nudgings, I tell you no shit.
And then I remember those return-to-sender bender nights,
when I had those well imprinted trippy stoner-blissed insights, dizzyingmarblepacificblueheights.
Those are the times when I think about what it must’ve been like to be *gay*
way back in the day.

But Maori don’t have much of a written recorded HIZstory
bizz boring me to actual factual tears,
of gendered life in the middle of Lady and Boy.
From an early colonial settler perspective we didn’t have the time nor the moral fibre for inappropriate, samesex, gender-different, lah-siv-e-us-ness.
My gendered identity kinda got rubbed one out
because Maori were seen by ethnologists as agrarian noble savages.
*We suffered no sexual ravages*
I love it that because the heltersketlerhellerhollersettlers
couldn’t see our domestic non-division,
nor settle the bet that saw Maori ideas of gender properly:
That I’m a contemporary indigenous anomaly probably.

And I really love it too that I’ve finally had my fill of my heart’s home village,
the sickening biased tourist spillage.
I love that so many people in my life can’t day to daily cope,
with all the media hyped shit that belongs to a duallife’slimitedscope.
I love it when I’m at home and I see my relatives really struggle,
We live in poverty in a first world nation, where bus-loads of tourists come to take our photos everyday.
*The native in their native habitat*
Wild and free…or at least very cheap.
Tranny, whakawahine, gay, straight, hold up, wait !!
Yah, trying to be brown and white all at once just makes you beige. Urgh,
disengage and fade to black on the backtrack to that one.
I wish that life for me was just hum-drum.
But life’s not like that when you get home and find anothercousingonetojail or another one down and another one down and another one bites the dust, I might
just bite the bullet and smoke the crystal guns deatheningmethcall.
Like everyone else in my village.

Mmmmm, I cry if I think about that shit too much,
life is just sour and such,
sniff and scratch but comes close to not so much.
No surprise
surprise
sir-fucken-prized my lids open and sick wrenchinglyheartglimpse
the invisible disguise of my culture’s demise.
Reprise,
I cry if I think about that shit too much…
And oh my fucking gods, Maori are the colonized natives who have supposedly got it good !!
Well it’s definitely not that halcyon way in my Maori gaybourhood.

I suppose I just wish people understood,
how awful it is to constantly witness all the life and love you cherish,
slowly crumble and perish,
in the thin guise of bacon and egg –
steak and cheese pies,
unhealthy filthy racial lies.
I’ll eat them till this hooker dies.
I do and I do and I don’t and I don’t, want to rock this doughnut shaped inner-tube float. But I can’t quite foresee my very own yachting boat.
Where is the picture of the real Maori dusky maiden Aotearoa? Will she please stand up !!
I know what she looks like and I’m nothing like the books write.
For a start, I’m Maori injustice laden.

I’m simply hating the pull of eyes no longer under the kiwi sheep’s wool,
and berating the making of separatist will he or won’t he just fuck off and chill.
Oh no, I want an escape clause, press pause,
dial 3 for the lift operator’s list of alternative floors.
Fuck, ET phone homo again,
it’s safe on the other side of the grass is greener than the buds I’ve been smoking lately.
Kiwi come seeeee me, little buzzy beeeeee me. Click click click click.
Johnny come rape me,
take it all with the hand-less grips that rips at my cultural landmass away,
tips the balance of the nationhood fishwife scales.

Shit betch, kiwi I refuse. WTF, I think I may have blown a fuse.

Refuse is what I am, a sham, a sliced xmasy ham. I don’t even know anymore.
Don’t tell me that you’re sorry ‘cos you’re not
Rihanna.
And I can’t believe that to be a kiwi leaves me punched up and bleeding my *gay* sorry carcass story.

I love being such a Hori ;)

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

NO RADAR !!

Tin of cocoa,
Tin of cocoa,
Tin of cocoa,
Car-tower.

Plastik Tikis: Maori art and identity in the globalised melting pot-roast - Essay by Jessie Ngaio 2010

2010-05-08T20:55:00.001-07:00

Log into the social networking website, Facebook, and you will be overwhelmed by information, advertisements and friend requests. Take a deep breath, type “Richard Kereopa” into the search bar, and you’ll find yourself drawn into a feeling of voyeurism as you observe a group of sexy, sassy, candy-coloured Maori drag queens chattering amongst themselves. Despite their enticing surface appeal, you will probably notice there is something not quite right about these characters; their conversations are disjointed, and their profile pictures all have a similar brightly coloured, digitally edited aspect to them. Then it will strike you… they’re all the same person!

The conversations Kereopa has with himself through his online alter-egos are at times funny, bizarre, mundane and just a little creepy. The profile pictures, postcards and films he has created around these characters, with their super kitsch digital editing, are like souvenirs for a type of sex tourism in an internet age. The images hark back to tourist postcards from a bygone era, making us painfully aware of the way our globalised, post colonial society still tends to exoticise, eroticise and ostracise the Other and indigenous cultures. Through the creation of many different internet personas, Kereopa also speaks of the way social networking sites are increasingly utilised by people to construct their identities.

Through his playful use of performance and new media, and his perspective as a traditional Maori weaver and queer artist, Kereopa questions his and our assumptions about what it is to be Maori, about the place of indigenous ontologies in a globalised society, and about gender. His fragmented identities offer a fresh perspective that is relevant within global contemporary art practice yet remains connected to Maoritanga and the land. Kereopa’s work asserts the validity and importance of indigenous perspectives and urges us to resist homogenisation and simplified labels, as they can be an ultimately dehumanising force.

Jessie Ngaio MFA (2009) Melbourne, Australia.

beige malaise

2010-04-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

Yup, beige malaise these dismal dayzed and wondering when this rankled funk will turn to spankled junk.

Kinda just plodding today and I must admit that I cannot fit anymore boring snoring in my daily whoring. Not that I'm being a whore. But snoring yes. Had the most bizzare dream in the history of the week...again. I think all these drug free days and pot free nights are stirring up some cankled frights. Yup, lots of sleepless restlessness I wish I WAS in Seattle. Then at least I wouldn't feel so blah. But I shouldn't be complaining, life is actually grand at the moment and I kinda have done all the bits and pieces jobs that needed to be done and I suppose I should just relax and have some fun for a change...if only I had some change! Yah, I'm definitely one of those ADHD people that need constant change to keep my mind and my brain-vibe all-alive.

It was great over the weekend working for a day on a m8s sculptures, although I feel as if I need to be more creative... I think I need something new to sink my own teeth into artwise creative highs instead of rotting flies in disguise on the wall. Perhaps its problematic that I feel so static right now or perhaps I should just do what I do best and turn what I've been working on for the past few years into something fresh. Mush enmesh click page refresh. I'm a firm believer that for me there is no new art, I'm just really good at shifting what I already have into a new mode installed abode creating a new vantage from which to view, but yah, not quite there yet which is probably a good thing? Not so sure.

So to werk I suppose...

Not feeling my selfconsciousnessmess

2010-04-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, feeling this feeling is a little weird now I'm un-wired to the always online time. Not much sunshine though. You'd think with all this bliss of non interweb existence I would've had plenty of time to werk my tanline. But no.

I'm way to go go go go gears go go go gurl. Busy as per usual not much time to byline or drop a rhyme. Holiday timing to mime an unfurl.

So am I not enjoying exploring the ins and outs of how much grass I can smokes my daily routes and bouts upon bouts. However, is this over compulsive consumption making me incomprehensible or just overtly indescribably defensible. I'm imagining that I remember not to be thinking about those eyes peering over my shoulder, or looking through the other side of the screen unseen attempting to glean my well oiled machine. Well, I'd happily oil something.

Speaking of which, this romantic holiday perfection's blissful erection's had me thinking hard about addressing this gaping gap in my gay man's lap-danced eroded trance. When and where and how and why and to find a man, what? wot wot wot. I think I can I think I can I think I can almost hear my dotage approaching cobwebs fast encroaching the dim end of the lightbulb's wattage. Twattage! I never, whatever, I think I still have a vagayjay somewhere under there those tranny grannies underwear I blinked and greyed and wrinkled, I left them in my past hells bells and extasy spells.

Oh those were the days those gays how they'd play for dazed on ends was nigh just needed another lasting high. I think I werked in that environment for way too long though no suprise cos it was FUN. Did I ever tell you about that time I died a million trillion tetragiglion times or more then swayzily lazered me back to the beat a shuffled slap-hit the dancefloor. OMF what for? To pay the rent. Though I learned a lot and it paid for drama school.

That's hot, being the bar-tender cocktail blender the bender in between the bar and the drinks. *She thinks she's going to get a drink for cheap cos she's got a nice bag* "hahah, you hag, you appear to be intoxicated you're cut off...though you're boyfriend's hot and I'm sure he's checking me out. Hahah".

What a betch behaving badly behind the bar. But my day to day now, its miles better by far, another distance bridged a much fancier car. I'm loving this new teaching bizz it's the one stop drop bop and roll shizz. I'm thinking that I'm kinda good at it too. Who would'a thought. Going to teacher's college actually was a good idea though at the time I can admit I thought it was shit!!!

Anyway, so glad for the holi-lolly scramble ample amounts of ambling days, the time to chill get paid and pay the bills. yay.

Whtie walls.

2010-01-11T03:00:00.000-08:00

White walls and concrete floors bores the living daylight outta my brainsight. But really, I must admit tis nice to be just sitting still and blank and thankful that my bizznezz for the day’s mess is done and dust encrusted in the corners of the daily persistent grind’s monotonous mind. I find that waking up this morning is almost like waking up from a dream.

Yup, everything sooooo super clean and shiny cor blimey, coronation street and the hum of some easy jazz it’s easy to just drift off into inner space and ponder the years before and yonder. Tick tick tick this is no trick, just a flick from one day to the next.

And yet all of a sudden the mud n’ grime and bleeding knuckles of two years of life have mindlessly slipped and stripped and sipped away, plunge my mind into the empty foray to play.

Two years. How did I ever fit soooo much into two short years? Sitting in that empty gallery today, breathing the efforts of so much collective stress I confess that I still can’t quite figure the figure within the blur. I concur so easily to the consensus made in my collective mind that yah, blankness is most welcome.

But income? What now? How? OMG richfish did you ever really think that you’d be sitting here so gratified and satisfied demystified? To tell the truth…no.

Last week on Friday I was sitting at Cape Reinga rememberMEMbering the flashion past of the past few years. Busy busy bumble bee backwards and forwards on a string of shoe fries. I have had sooo much going on lately and I'm glad tonight to just sit and chill dull Mary J blige thuds in my head and a glass of wine my ass is fine. I'm adding this week to the list of "Such long weeks that just flew by and I feel like I was hammered" weeks. Mild-mannered non-waving bannered loss of sssssanity indeed urgh!

Did I ever tell you about the time that I hung out with my friend Anna at Te Rerenga Wairua when it was soooooo super worth it cos the visage was AMAZZZZZZING had me gazing for hours on end the wend and wind of the lights at the heights of the end of all bights. WOW! people keep writing that as a description for Avatar and now that I've acutally seen it i really need to reseen it because although I wasn't a WOW there was most definitely something really really super cool about it and yes... Sam Worthington is so worth it. He and I are getting married one day hes a hunk of hot man in the last terminator movie. back to the lights and the stars total absence of cars. I felt really blessed to be able to just chill on the hill at the end of the country hearing the crash of two mighty seas beckoning reckoning and lighthouse rotations... There was this amazing dizziness caused by the senses alive.

And that's how I'm feeling fRIGHT now. Somehow just zoned out and spouting whatever comes to brain to mind. Kinda just scratching catching vibes like this Shirley bassey does the propellerheads singing glodfinger his touch is cold I lurve it.

Ps. I am soooo excited about all the stuff coming up in the next year. Lots of fun stuff and some time and brainpower to invest in a manhunt I can't put off the call of nature no more right? Lots of insight d3light and gender-fight, but campily self assured for a change is better sure.

Hahah. Anyway. Gotta sleep and dream of nothing but feel divine gn tonic and lime. Love it. No more write halls and gone-greet laws. jUst nice.

Unsatifaction Tuesday bluesday

2009-12-14T16:05:00.000-08:00

Fuuuuuck! Why can't I get things to werk today it's driving me nuts and I'm seriously thinking of just taking the day off but I have waaay too much shizzola on my plaza.

So my horrorscoped me out today and suggested that I should watch my budget...here's me thinking WTFEVER is a budget... and then all my technology starts finally fizzing again. Can't compute this retro-tribute that I may have to resort to in order to finish the final image for my grad show. On the plus side for a change I do have spare change that I might just have to spend on a new drawing tablet and wouldn't you know it someone local mentioned that he's selling his mac for a few hundy... No shit! I soooo had that moolah pinned down on getting all my prints sorted. Fuck, whatddya do? Need the computer to make the prints and cunt resort back to drawing with a mouse. Damn... back to square one!

I'm thinking that my compspewter is really really really going to die too soon, virtual memory on the down-low no go. Can't believe that I have actually managed to squeeze a few extra months out of it since it died the last time... I wonder how many lives a fried up lap-top served with rashers of bacon and a heap of baked beans on toast has?

Yah, very frustrating berating the timing the distinct lack of rhyming and multiple dyings. Hmmmm, there's harakeke prepped with weaving that needs to get done so maybe I should just switch everything off that has a wall fed pulse and get back to the harakeke for the day.

I think the only thing I'm loving today is Stan Walker's black box. Yah, love all things black box like, go the Maori boy who wins australian Idol. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI2w8UPhajU&feature=related

Well, the sun is kinda shining and I do live by the beach... maybe some communing with the outside is the oops upside my head way to go for the day ay ay ay?

Yah... foray for realz yay.

Confusion profusion need a calming infusion

2009-12-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

Urgh, everything is soooo frustrating at the moment!!! The sun is finally shining HARD and the pohutukawa are finally blooming but looming is a plethora of a million things to do do do and I feel like I REALLY don't have the energy or the money or the kaha to werk it out RICHBETCH...

But jebus fucking chrystler I am sooooooo not going to doubt myself into peacing out again like every other time in the past. I'm done with talking myself into talkin' myself out. I'm done with being beige. I'm done with being done in. I'm done with being dumb.

I had the a really strange weekend and it's still right at the forefront of my mindshunt cunt quite put it in the past because all at once it was a blast but then again it was the last million years or so all over again. I keep on thinking "FUCK, when will life stop feeling like it's always uphill" so I'm totally in for the kill the thrill the easy ho hum of the daily mill. My little sister had finally got admitted to the bar and I was sooooooo glad to the core cos all the years before she'd persisted with her chore and yay, man was it amazing to see so many people just glad to celebrate for her and enjoy how far she's come... but the flipside is that I still have what feels like an aeon to get all my own shit sorted for my own temporary conclusion.

FUUUUUUUCK, five and a half weeks to go and I have so much to do, so much to dodge, so much to sort the fuck out and it all smells like hodgepodge a veritable stew of meowing and mews. I just wanna commune with my everyday muse and drift off on a tangent right now that the sun is blaring. Uncaring and daring to just get on a plane and get the fuck outta town for a few years. OMG, daydreams would be so nice if they were free with no price.

Oh well, that's not how it's going to be, urgh...I feel this impending torment but I need to just put it aside cos there's really no place to hide....

So, one hundered and eighty middle-school children taught how to weave in the past week, check, repairs and maintenance done, check, hour long run through the bush to the top of the waterfall for a swim, check, breakfast, check, yoga, check, dishes, check, laundry, check, black-beans cooking, check, game-plan for today, check.

Time to get shizz done. Urgh!

Glad to be alive to strive!

2009-12-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Listing to particularly affirming music right now and feeling somewhat emotion filled and simply glad to be alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEanxQqdYWg&playnext=4&p=0B078B05E862BCDA&index=5&feature=PlayList&playnext_from=PL&ytsession=SfTAhPFUx5gD4C9M_7RZxcHWynmczFEJkdTTTF4RUsTekt1CEjQ5a9bpj7Zi4hpQ4tQdmTp9A3JdbMzCgvCT3_7YPm1EwD_Tw7M3UDBlqtVBHoZpDcUoj7YPyt1ILzcpQA7OyXtgvHZImAb5g5oFGt__YzoBvkZoT8dvfY75UoYCDyVenGnnFsJqK5c0zQ4ct_u0oTWV1uIXr_sBNJNoiGwoYtLb9h5a1xvZhX84XgqY3uv-PdwC5Hc-tZJ5q2YQQg3CAtocfFu8JQtW4bx7uFg3zBJJmaB1NSwrqGEhgqKCgxy9ugJJm4hIEIL9B3YdvOcdG9qmP6jxisIxjmQ6IkxoqzlP8L3q

Yup, so live your life go hard Rihanna and wave that sequined sparkled glitter banner.

The past month has been so dismal. I've been moping around wondering why the fuck I have felt so incredibly BEIGE but then over the weekend got so fucked up on drugs feeling reeling carebare smug with lots of hugs... but it was good fucked up! The kind of fucked up when you get home and your chilling and spilling all the baked beans on toast with a couple of poached eggs and a cup of tea.

Yah, totally chatted for hours on end to end and getting round that bend realising that the past few months have bean cereal fo realz unpacking the drain that has been my MFA. I only just realised that that's what I've been doing... yah unpacking the past two years of insanity Canadian customs calamity, planes, trains and try agains, tos and fros and make up woes, libraries try verys hard to get out of a rut and nut out a plan to stand tall again.

I cunt quite decipher the life of what it was like all before I began to spin and grin and get stuck in that deep dark clubland pit of nothingness that I've been clawing my way out of for what seems like a million years.

For a person with an astonishing memory, it's amazing to find that actually, my teenage years are a blurred snapshot of falling off a bike drunk on the way back from Donna's brother Gustav's place the night before the high-school debating competition... so uncool! And my twenties OMFuckingGOD, what even happened then... another blur!

I don't know where I was nor where I've been. TOO MUCH TRAUMA and post traumatic stress blindspots I think then drink my life's on the blink.

So the past couple of months I have seriously been doing some hardcore unpacking. Unpacking lots of shit and it feels great to all of a sudden wake up this morning and remember that over a decade ago I got really lost when my father died, then drank myself into a looooong stupor and stupidly did some shizz that caught me some bizz like they preach on TV called HIV. Back then I BELIEVED that I would be dead by the time I was 30 but something in my brain... I can only really credit my tupuna slash ancestors because I totally peaced out... something inside me got me out and here I am alive and kicking FUCKUNG hard and I totally love it.

Live it betches!!!

stalemate state berate

2009-11-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

Urgh, I don't know why I ever watch the news or read the paper or open my eyes... there's always so much shit and over the past few months so much shit about Maori it drives me nuts always feeling like you're being seen but not really seen at all.

I wonder meander day to daze just observing reserving my judgement for the canvas my madness from thought to form to question the norm.

I love it that everyone in this cuntree is sooooo willing to verbalise their thoughts on what Maori do review the clues TV and it seems like its everywhere. People just rambling on about Maori this and Maori that kersplat and BLAT that same ole shat this shizz the bubbly fizz and sizzle of meat on the barbie. And yet you can quite clearly see that they really don't see us at all.

I love it that people are so willing to snore ignore the facts of our constructed history as being a false truth, so easly torn to shreds the wets the beds the sleeps the boring diatribal misdiscribes of our tribes.

I love it that the whole cuntree is has been in an uproar that some unruly savage said some fairly unpeasant things about those whitemutherfuckers those truckers ruggerboring fat ruckers and yet Maori put up with that shit their whole lives long. It may not be so covert but it's constantly silently said.

I love being invisible. I have so much talent to hide.

I just have so much to be thankful for today I could cry.

Back to back on crackbook at school.

2009-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Banks wanks let's give no thanks to the banker the wanker at the end of this dribble and quibble I feel the twisty riddle.

OMG I sooooo hate money and not having it. I especially hate spending all the time I could be happily working on great art and constructing great translations from mind to matter, mad as a hatter, worrying about how to negotiate that infuriating pit of nothing.

...why this guy spends so much time trying to figure out ways to get around the lack to enable a snack a bit is sometimes shit beyond me... sometimes I wish I was a mindless capitalist. Then I'd happily crappily dribble my days away in some cement encrusted ribcage of iron and plaster to master the plesant pesant bliss of the daily hit and miss; that grind to find that life is forever mundayne to friday and Saturdays and sundays are the fundays spinning by way too fast.

I'ts complete arse that my carcass should be invested in the bizz of money-making shizz when it's so much better at being a whizz. I feel like a corpse when I'm in my prime, slack and black empty pockets to wrack my wrecked brains.

Funny how monney's only sweet manuka honey when it means I can afford an E eeek eat, freak and forget the stress of life's petty big mess.

Oh so pretty... let's all smile :)

Brrr...mmm Intristing

2009-11-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

Bizzrarosario Dawson,

soooo bizzarosario dawson on tv rigght now watching Men in black will smith your dark pith will I am thinking you're so fine hmmmmm.

Just chilled the day away at work was kinda nice to be just hanging out doing something normative informative getting the shizz on the new next door biz. It's kinda nice in there though I've realised that their fence needs to be shorter... we can still see the beach from our pie making high de hi de highdeway in the kitchen but cuntsy the peeps walking into their front door. All those potential new boyfiends missing out on being scoped can I cope making pies watching guys and spinning new lies as to whys we don't do milkshakes thickshakes and prices are still craaaaaazy but that's just the store wayzzzzzzz.

Nice that I can hear the waves right now shouldn't skite how the wind through the nikau and ti kouka is really soothing. Grooving. Perhaps I should turn the TV down... slash mission accomplished I've seen this filim a tripy trip trillion times anyway.

yah, just spent some time going over old stuff and its bizzare re reaping leaping keeping re-reading stuff and putting my head back to where my heart was feeling funny then sunny and blatently honeyish tinges. Yah nice to reread just over a year and to hear the voices singing sanging banging haranguing.

Sitting here in front of the TV right now I'm thinking, yah... it has been a really long year and I fear that the absence of sun over the past few weeks had better mean that we've got a really long summer ahead...I hope. But yah it really has been along year and I am totally glad that I handed my research in the other day. It feels good to have poured so much out and to have had such a productive time.

I think I've really enjoyed going over the stuff from the past few years and going... W Hey made sun when the fun don't shine... definitely got a lot done. Soooooooooooooooooo have enjoyed having the past weeks just kind keeping it on the down frown low if the sun were ashining I'd be giving the front lawnamow ho ho ho OMgo xmas is really nearly coming. Soooo much to do.

So, no crazy schedules or anything like that. Just some sitting it down, planning tannning and working it out so that I can make it GLAM MAN a! Yah, lots to do and organinse get that shizz all damn biZZd but feeling pretty confident that I'm all good.

IN this HOOD. BEdtime.

lickety split

2009-11-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

gunna be quick quack lickety spit splat cos I'm soooo trying to get my facial toning working in time for summer. Over the past million months I feel like I've let myself go to the dogs... the ugly dogs, and yah, there's no way I wanna stay ugly with summer blast fast and tone my ass coming quick round the mountain when she comes - oh, its Richard Kahui on TV, mmm, my favourite Richard!!! Indeed when she comes.

So yah, got back into being good about the way I treat my body and beat my feat far from this seat.

Two days of running in the bush and abs and shiz and totally changing my moisturising regime so that I actually feel like my dial isn't about to crack, and snacking on nuts hahah. OMG I wish. but really, trying to refrain from a daily dose of caramel slice that's nice but when I'm over-dosing on SUGAR and it's going straight to my... ok I won't lie cos I haven't put on weight for the past 12 years. But I'm sure it's not good to eat all that crap, so I read.

Anyway, yah, running again feels so good though I could do with a proper stretch in the morning cos maybe I am just a little achy right at the moment.

Was awesome to run to the top of the waterfall at the end of my street yesterday and strip off and dive into the pool. I've been waiting to wash all that raru off and since then life is good.

It's great to have some favorite places to go in the world and restore the balance... especially when one's at one end of the street and the beach is pretty much at the other!!! In the immortal words of Alicia Bridges:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVfCEzdWi-U

Yup I really do!

But there's something not quite gay about spending my day dressing up like a tranny (though hooray cos it's work that I live to play) and my nights untz untz untzing to the crashed smash of the ceaseless waves. That's the nightlife I truly love. Last night and tonight, just walking and feeling the wind and sand and thinking about that ever elusive tall tanned man hahah. OMG could do with a pash.

Yah, lots of reasons to be feeling good in dis hood.

But to bed!

Late night fright write.

2009-11-05T03:11:00.000-08:00

Baking back home is now on my mind but I'm committed to not frying my delicate time all the weeks where the work that so quickly flew by were amazingly great, though I'm wanting to cry cos the trip that was fate kinda messed with my head and then filled me with dread bout the blank that was skank.

Yah, feeling kinda wishy washy today. Been home for like a day and a half now and am reflecting on what a great time I have had over the past few weeks, love ghetto-glammin' it up in American-hoods.

Was uber awesome and then some more awe to hang out with really great friends enjoying morsels of Walnut shrimp at Hunang's in Davis...mmmmm stomach rumbling right now though that's probably because it's like 11am and I haven't gotten out of bed for breakfast...

BUT YAY ITS FRIDAY and I definitely love Fridays... except for last Friday.

Yup, it wasn't so nice to end up in a hospital in the Castro district and spend a whole week wondering what the fuck happened... Bizzare because the whole emphasis of the past two years has been to try and find a way past the trap that is gay-land mayday hand in the the air wave it like you just don't care at the life-guard somebody throw me a life preserver...

So yah, I think that last Friday, the eve before All Hallows Eve, was probably more hellish than I care to admit. There's something incredibly perverse and ironic to finish writing about the tools I've been finding through indigenous knowledge paradigms to get me out of the gay clubs of the world and into the world that has been waiting for a talented young artist; and then totally end up the subjectified.

Frustrating.

Intimidating to think that it's perverse that there are perverts just waiting to jump on in there when you're off your guard enjoying yourself with a spike in your drink and you're starting to hike to the badlands of your youth when you'd be so plastered that you'd just pass out.

Yah, well this time I did pass out... and I have absolutely no idea what happened, only little flashes of crashes and potentially bashes the back of my head before filling me with dread and then lead-deadweight for a whole 6hrs before hearing the hospital staff saying:

"who's that guy in there"
"found him on the street, apparently he's just finished his Masters in globalisation, I think he partied too hard"
"well he has fabulous shoes"

No shit!
Yah, some mother-fucker globalised me alright and it was so easy to become a target, somebody else's pray for the day when I don't spend the whole week-after convincing myself that it was all my fault.

No, shit I have fabulous shoes so how come the vomit that I was drenched in managed to miss my shoes and my front but end up all over the back of me... truly, I've been doing yoga lately but I'm JUST NOT THAT FLEXIBLE!!! What the heck Sybil and all your fucking personas doing their work as per usual and now I'm the jerk cos some SLEAZY SICKO FUCKER thought I'm just gonna fuck her...

she'll be so fucked up she won't even know.

Ain't that the truth, I will soooooooooo never know for sure. But I'm pretty sure nonetheless.

I think the worst part of the whole event has been the internal dialogue of... we'll you must've drunk too much...

"ps - I didn't drink too much this time"

well maybe nothing really happenend

"but I'm not stupid, when I sift through the vague recollections, the bumps and bruises, the spew when I'm pretty sure I didn't throw up, the guy I recall from the bar who I also recall walking me down the street, the dirty undies... yah, I'm collecting a story that doesn't look so pretty"

well, maybe I was asking for it

"slash, I didn't ask for this"

All I know is that there's waking up in a hospital when you're 16 with your father shaking his head saying, "Rich, I'm pretty disappointed in you", and then there's waking up in a hospital on the other side of world by yourself when you're 33 saying "Rich, you're pretty messed up... where the fuck am I".

After nearly finishing an MFA implicitly designed to empower myself I can FINALLY say to myself with confidence "Rich, this whole trip, nothing was my fault... that's just the world we live in"

Word!

Don't talk to me about love

2009-10-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0UrEd5ywL8&feature=PlayList&p=ADEE5BE7E6931B55&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=4&shuffle=247

Oh so yay its good to be gay and sitting on the otherside of globe getting a bit of perspective!!!

OMG, soooo on the homo stretch, the final throes she goes shes goes she goes, the last legs are my favourite bits those hits I'm not much for tits.

Aaaaargh, I feel the holiday chilling pilling piling up in the days to come and I'm glad that summer's feeling like it's gearing up to be a whole lot of fun... even if it's still only Autumn.

But yah, summer's next week and I'm peaking cos the fall harvest lead-up is close at hand and man I can't wait to have my brain back again. So yah altered images don't talk to me about love yet cos you can bet that distractions will make me forget to do the stuff I'm supposed to be doing right now like fix eyebrows and shave legs get primed for the tan that leads to a man.

Tomorrow, final proof-read, press send
The day after, repairs and maintenance then a great big happy mess!

planes trains and fucking migranes!

2009-10-20T03:41:00.000-07:00

Oh so sad to have gotten fucked over by some stupid customs dickhead!!!!

Supposed te be sleeping right now since its a million o'clock but my body rhythms ain't rhyming at the mofoment no what torment to get given the arse at when it should've been a blast but alas!

Nevermind shizz happens it's crap and even though I know what I should've said now, in retrospect...

So got to Canadian immigration; looking forward to spending the week performing a piece that I really enjoy, mashing, trashing and fashing it up on the streets to the beats untz untz untz loves it but didn't love getting told that I needed a temporary work visa to make art!!!

Especially since finding out later that I actually don't need a temporary work visa as a performance artist. OMFFFFFFG! I sooooo knew that was the case but couldn't convince the mutherfucker otherwise. Hence had to voluntarily do an about turn and head for ho ho home so as not to get deported reported reboarded.

Never mind, that's life, cest la vie, que sera sera!

So yah, got to San Fran, deleriously tired but admired that after waiting something like 13hrs the first person I talked to about changing flights was a really really nice and helpful lady called Morgan. Was so tired that after talking to her realised about 3hrs later that I had run off from the ticketing desk without my passport by this stage soooooo super past it I was frantic. Oh my god Rich how could you leave without your passport?! Anyway, luckily Morgan was more ontoit than me at a million o'clock in the morning. So she still had it and I thanked her profusely...again!

But yah, then what to do??? No flights with the same airline back to NZ under a grand this is not what I planned eeeeek!!! Decided that I needed to get outta airports and no mans lands and in happier hands headed to Davis where I am currently happily ensconced with friends for another few weeks until my return flight home. Drama for the non-drama performance artist!

Urgh, but yay the outcome could've been so much worse!

so yah, now just chillin and finishing off my MFA research...in the same place it began. That's nice.

Was having a little cry on the train on the way here and decided to turn on the music... whitney houston starts singing "Love will save the day" and then I start writing "those bitches are Rich's insane little twitch unflatteringly nattering him into his ditch but I bet that the betch fetches all of his soul and brings back his smile his ultimate goal.

Thanks. Loves it Emo-Ting FAB and emoting Arty Kay.

cough ick cough

2009-08-19T03:42:00.000-07:00

totally not feeling 100% and feeling like I'm so over this feeling of unquiet dissent going on in my brain saying both lie down and chill out but then work to pay rent.

Urgh. I hate feeling sick and having disgusting looking hands from falling off the bmx. Stooopid RTK that'll learn you for not riding with both hands and trying to carry a whole lot of shit...knew that would happen about 10mins before it actually happened that's how stupid. Blah.

Anyway, boring so boring just want to eat cake but so can't be fucked to whip up a nice cake so I guess I'll just eat me some honey instead and then wrap up all warm in my freezing cold bed. Passing out will be nice and I'm glad that I get to sleep-in in the morning again.

Yay. One more day at work and then a long weekend recuperating. Cunt weight!!!

overwriting

2009-08-12T03:34:00.000-07:00

Soooooooo over volvo driven drivel writing coming out my ears, my eyes and my finger tappings don't even know what to say any more but any more chocolate cake will coma me out and I'm glad that I didn't even rush for the sugar just a little sedate little sliver of cake.

Yummy!!!

but ps did I ever just get up the gumption to slip on the wetskin and dive in the ocean for an afternoon surf and watch as the sun that was low in the sky slipped further away make me want to get dry but yay!!!

Here I was thinking that the water would be toooooooo super cold and that I just wouldn't b able to hack it but yeah I did. And super glad that I managed to stand up on my first wave of the season (though winter is soooooo drifting off so it's pretty pathetic that I had to wait this long to build up the kaha hahaha).

Was glad to have Matt drag me outta the house for a surf.

But yeah loved getting back to Moananui a Kiwa and sliding on the surface too chilly to face to face with the sea love it. Though yah, totally froze my nuts off once I was out. Needed like 3 beers and a cup of tea just to deal with the aftermath.

Thank god for fish n' chip night at the RSA.

Bedtime and work then another icecream headache sitting on a board in the ocean tomorrow afternoon.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fun

2009-08-11T04:18:00.000-07:00

So stretching it out cos my neck is killing me too much time doing shizz on this comspewter out all this ranting and raving maniacal musing all day long need to do more than just run....definitely go out and dance more fo sho.

Note to self: should start surfing harden up Maori boy it's just cold water brrrrrrrr cunthandle it though cos I can just imagine how cold it izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but you'll never know till you get in.

Etc etc etc.

Um so had fun tonight just chilling out in the city being drunk and such etc etc etc. Manged to actually get work done again somehow though trying to just chill on that and not go hell for leather off the go break brakes tranny hold up wait a minute get on the floor shake your goddamn booty. Hmmmmm - Quizz nights forgot how much I loved quizz nights whipped the fuckers to death on the music round as per Ilove it

yah shit gurl you know your music if'n nothin' else.

but yah, lots of work to do tomorrow again, liking that I'm managing to keep motivated... surprised for sure.

I've been trying to remind myself to sit up straight and this and that and a whole lot of rules. Rah rah rah so annoying but whatever because I managed to take my own advice and everyone else's for a change and go out and get a life. Just a little bit shit-faced love it!!! So maybe the rules are having their usual results rebelling against myself who's gunna win?:0

Saturdazed and confused

2009-08-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

Rah rah rah, today has been a total sunday and yup there was even a bit of sun. Bummer that it's a Saturday though. Ick.

I hate feeling all Sunday a day early...definitely need to go out and dance I know fo sho.

Yah i most definitely agree with myself that there's nothing shittier than sitting at home by yourself remembering how much wish you weren't sitting at home by yourself...actually, I lie cos the dog's here too and I'm sure she'd think it were pretty shitty that I forgot about her.

And hey, I'm not at home alone anymore cos Fuzzy just waltzed through the door like a breath of fabreeze. Yay.

Anyhow, even though today I was uber-melancholy I secretly think that I enjoyed hanging out with myselves and the dog all day long...oh yeah, and the birds.

Yah the birds were great company today totally flittering and fluttering all around while the dog and I chilled out on the Maungaroa looking over the most primo view in the world (actually Ana spent most of the time eating grass and trying unsuxessfully to eat the flies. So great to be out in the bush not stoned for a change. Yay and that's my home holler mahalo back at ya betches. Those pirairaka, kereru and tui just sang and played for ages and it made me kinda jealous that I didn't feel so young at hearts running free you'll never be hung up hung up like my man and me except that my man is totally absent.

Yeah, where the fuck is that guy I wonder?

To boogie tonight or not???

2009-08-03T04:31:00.000-07:00

Yawn and sleepy. Can't wait to go to bed but it's kinda nice just sitting up enjoying the heat from the fire and riding the waves I can hear through the wall.

Urgh, so yah, the past couple of weeks have been hillarious in that I have been making up all these little praying mantras... so far I've collected like SEVEN and it's soooooo fucking not even like fun.

So I stopped eating sugar for about a week... it was kinda hellish and I wonder how anyone could go without something warm and not so choco-lately uRRRRRRgh, no don't even want to think about it but perhaps I kinda did secretly like that I wasn't eating so much shit but can't really think of what the benefits might have been, maybe I'll eat LESS shocklatte with a double shot of blah blah blah. OMG how did I end up standing behind a counter again???? What's with that shit?

but I should get definitely get more sex. That one's a keeper fo sho... even just summers round the horny though and maybe this one I'll be a little less tied up or maybe more so hahah.

More fruit and Veg??? yah, been eating bananas believe it or can't really love them though maybe all those years of mashed banana trannywitches for lunch with honey or sugarwhatever always smelled like mush-time forgetaboutit FUGGA. And mandarins yah man where are they? Snack on fruit!

Drink more water. Checkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Run more. yup great legs though need a shave and ps I am soooooooo going sprinting up that steep little track to Rayner Rd in the pm on the morrow.

Too tired to think of what the other two are but rest assured they were as prohibiting as the rest. WTF with all the self rules. I loathe rules... maybe I just impose them on myself so that I have some shit to break when I feel like breaking something.

Waaaaaaay tooooooo tired now so time for sleep cos in five more minutes the glow from the sky will be halfway done and then I'll be planning on sleeping in on the morningsideforlife cos you can bet your mutherfucking ass that it'll be cold as a brass monkey's glassstains on your undies when your big sister pushes you into the blackberry bushes at the groynes that summer no it's winter I've no doubt i my mind that I'll ease into the day hahahah but so truly time to go cos it's catch up working shit out for a change again.

Icecream

2009-07-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHeseOjdgZI

Woo haa woo haa

icecream is gonna save the day again like it did in the past when the sun was high in the sky's the limit and you're riding your bike down the dusty road in the summer to the pools to lie in the UVABCDE.E.E.E rays and get purplely black. Munch those KBARS Maori boy cos a buck gets you like 10 or a million but whatever it doesn't matter cos they're red green and yellow was my favaourite making teeth and hand toffee sculptures with arm is locked in safe to the side of the Centennial diving pool exit ladder bar.

Why I'm reminded of that when it's fucking freezing cold by the beach I'll never know but it feels good to have a REAL holiday doing sweet-fuck all and not checking my emails and being a social butterfly-moth flitting between outfits and combos and playing all the music REAL loud but REALLY slow weekend segue in2 work mode that starts like usual with a pic and a random post of words words words words don't come easy to me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHeseOjdgZI but really they do so really it's true that I'm meiking my way over moss fur fern frond mountains to a city beyond to buy a new haircut and some rags that I'm fond of men and I like that they're fond of me too so lets milk this city baby and party like a rock star for all that it's worth and not feel worthless but happy cos it's performance art baby and I love it... HARD!!!

Back to the art of making shizz gorgeous.

Shedding skin

2009-06-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

Hahahah my forehead regrets to inform the rest of my face that I did indeed never learn that to burn is to burn.

looking at my visage I can see that I'm smiling but I shoulda woulda prada smeared that 30+ as far as it could wear cos it's wera in this weather and so hot that I forgot to do all the things that I usually should but never fear just take better care to sun smarter.

OMFG soooooo much to do and all I can hear is the tick tick tick tick tick tick of the never did get that done so I had better do it now. I think that I've found that holidays are the best time to start working again. I love that I feel like doing shiz but I hate that I feel like I'm running outta time to get it all done. Nothing can come close to this familiar feeling of peeling of sheddding some skin and emerging again and I like that my fingers are happy to tap tap tappy again but FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Work it out betch!!!

So it's 1.30 in the pm and how did I only start to get my work day begun I think I know why it's all this dreaming of fun but before I can play I'll invest in my day a few hours of writing and sewing, drawing editing facebook and all that fucking stuff that I used to love a whole lot more before it became labour....ps note to self, at least you're not working in some nasty dingy bar betching at some poor drunk hot guy just for kicks. Oh but it was fun wasn't it?

so yah, back to work in a BIG way and all the other little stuff will just work itself out like it always does just as long as I chill and remember to spill, rather pour all my insides onto the faded veneer of yesterday's ills. It makes a pretty picture FO SHO. I was doing some awesome reading yesterday and the day before and the days and days before (damn, just realised that I've been working all along) and I totally admit that sitting on the ferry backward and forth to that summery fruity glazed flancouver watching killer whales roll over the sea that life finally feels like it makes some semblance of sense.

Ps, did I mention that I got winked at by an orca? Yah, it was one of defining moments in life when you look up from your book just in time to see a glistening black and white tupuna fly completely out of the water and somersault in the sun before disappering into the blueblack depths. It feels good to see things that I don't need to embellesh on their retelling. Just the way ittiz. Nice.

Been hanging in Victoria with Dons and Bob and enjoying the company of loved ones afar. Looking forward to getting home though and scarily steering my way through another week of hardcore critique....HARD! But yay, ater that my sisters' kids are coming up to stay so there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Back to work!!!

Today Simon, I'm sure to rise.

round and a round and a round

2009-06-04T03:17:00.000-07:00

Watching the spinning in the stars in my eyes and seeing the feel of the universe spin by was kinda nice just lying there in my fabulous new coat on the hammock up the hill of a back-lawn that in the particularly fucking freezing cold night still manages to maintain a longlingering feel.

The nikau and the korari picture perfect embalmed in the gaze of my circling view

Peel my eyelids back toward the stars and start to see something i've never truly noticed before though maybe it's the ritualistic goodnight kiss of the plastic bottle steaming your insides with a hazy warm glaziness.

Oddly I felt at ease today. It was serene to just bask in a world away from some self induced diatribe.

Looking forward to going home over the weekend.

good times circa Chic.

2009-05-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

Sitting here enjoying the company of good friends and revelling in the rebellious drivellllll. It's amazing how sometimes you can get so stuck in you head that you miss out on seeing the fabulous things that sit around the head that you're so always stuck inside....

But it's nice to know that you can think on the same lines as your own self. Nice.

Super-nice.

So yah, had a really good time tonight with some fabulous people and made an effort to ACTUALLY engage.

I always find it such a bizzare thing that I can totally see I am a million different people. I wonder how much on the same wave-lenth we all might be if only I got to know them... all the meEEEEEEES. emphasis on the vowel. Yah. Such a good time

And yet how stupid strange incomprehensibly deranged that I sit and tap tap tap my seconds away while sitting in the company of the evidence of good times circa Chic feak out. I suppose that maybe that's a good thing that I can still find my way through everything else and find the time to work but at the same time I absolutely hate that I've started to realise how much I cannot escape work. I'm only lucky these days that my 'work' is the thing that I love the most.

It must suck to work at something you despise and I speak from experience so I know that it doesn't must. It ACTUALLY does suck.

xxx Rich.

ps. Finally organised tix to do what it is that I love the most and I am sooooooo super glad about that. Hmmm, now just how to sort all the other shit that I feel like I
m not sorting at all.

Brrrrr

2009-05-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

I'm over the stone and the grind grind grind. Working and work getting me blind to the world and all mine and mine's minds.

The cold and the chill hasn't dampened the flow so I'm glad at least that I'm still in the zone. Only a few more and more weeks then the floodgates hurl forth...Urgh, totally Lionel Ritchie rich and can't slow down cos there's a shitload to do.dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddo not chill. just shiver and defrost.

The sun is coming.

I saw a pretty cool doco tonight on Maori tv. On Rei Hammond, it was nice to hear some beautiful korero from the past about the artist being a conduit who comunicates their environment by will of the universe....creating an unboken line of communication that speaks of some simple yet complex and infinite truth. I love hearing Maori artists speaking the same language...it's nice to be reminded where and how you fit in when you often wonder to yourself who and where you are in the mix and the churn and how to see yourself through it.

Nice to feel the surge of the tide from not so far pounding it's mauri through the valley. Mmmm, it's really not so cold.

Anway time for bed cos yet again there's a shitload to do tomorrow and OMFG did I not totally splurge tonight and eat half a packet of biscuits! I must've needed it Fucker...

handsup

2009-05-02T03:58:00.000-07:00

I so don't want to write right now but that's the way it is when you know you've gotta stop collaborate and listen and get back to the world and the business of doing what it is you're supposed to be doing but anyway whatever and all that shit hot what not.

AM TOTALLY PAYING for the big night I had last night and have been all day. So totally looking forward to switching the light off and closing my eyes and resting my tired aching body.

Too much fuckin' dancing prancing and going crazy like one does when one is having a fabulously indulgent time. OMG seriously I love it. But yeah, am totaly paying for it today. It was good to have a great big blow out and get trashed and not think about school school school or art or work or anything but the sparkling flashing lights and the thump thump thumping sooooo sublime n sanguine u seraph swaying and sliding buring it up on the dancefloor. So close to heaven.

I needed Friday night to get me back in the world. Yay.

So I feel like I want to convince myself to go forward now that after a year and a few months and thirty two years I've got a plan. Time to get the ideas out of my head and going and flowing and doing and showing and reading and writing and making magic out of nothing but your brains living in your fingers making makin making more more more that's the Andrea true connextion hahaha anyway that's my day and tomorrow's the one that's going to get the fire going and I lean over look at my floor and think that a decent vaccum wouldn't go astray and even though I quit smoking a couple of years ago my throat totally feels like an ashtray that's indulgence for you good job I I I O U. So yah a clean and a go go go.

work it baby work it baby work it baby oh let me see you put your hands up baby hands up gimme your heart gimme gimme your heart.

dis beat is distracted

2009-04-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

Again, time to get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground cos its all work work work makes jack a dull boy but unless I get beige and put in the hard yards hard in then the working working work will cease to begin an i'll feel biege or light grey with a hint of brown tinge.

Yes yes, time to stop day-dreaming and getting distracted by my own constant prattle about boys. yup I think that without a doubt I am a typical male always getting distracted by big biceps and a smart-arse on a sincere headed grin hahahaha...so typical. I've been single waaay too long but then when you set your sights high and then you realise that someone just keeps sauntering by who kinda fits the bill...

I just turned girly, proof of my distraction.

So yes, back to the heart of the grindstone to churn and burn the rubber but not the midnight oil cos i'm sick of the candle that dribbles the glow of one's complex shun them. Yes back to the order and the serious disciplined side of making art. How utterly beige. yay in the tiniest font available. I have even thought out and written down a flexible schedule that I think I may even be able to stick to we'll so see cos rah rah rah.

Chilled to the boney M

2009-04-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

Chilled out and enjoying that I enjoyed the day and didn't really do much but still did heaps but still relaxed a lot. Yaha it was totally one of those wild sticky days filled with cute surfers and the sticky johnson wax guy who aparrently has a girlfiend but so who cares its hilarious being such a cereal serial perv but if you're going to be stuck making pies all day long then why the fuck not amuse myself while mentally sexually abusing hahahaha the world is sooo full of himbos and I love it.

So heard some stories today about alien sightings and getting creeped out by wierd encounters on the beach and in the valley. Whoa, spooksville but then that's how I roll these days sometimes when the air is thick with wanting cold and dusk comes fast and sucks the air out of the sky and the holwing of the waves as they claw at the shoreline sand that clings to your mind as shapes shift and mingle.

Makes for a nice creative vibe that makes me smile and dream and let my mind journey yonder. Good music and time for bed. I totally miss going out for a good BOOGIE aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Workday tomorrow....is that even how you spell that my eyes have gone dozey...

2009-04-26T03:43:00.000-07:00

Woahkay, so past my bedtime and only really writing this because I 'm trying to get my brain in the habit of writing again... I've been suckfully distracted by everthing all the time all over the place and what-not so soooooo have to get hy head back into the spaces they love to be in all the time.

Anyway, it feels like the words are coming a lot easier today so I'll go with the flow and say OH BIG FUCKEN NO, I soooo did break my own rule but urgh I so did but never mind I'll get over it and hopefully it'll never be anything significant (hahaha so purile) but know from right about now that I shall not write about convertable V dubs anymore. OK. Yah and done like a dog's dinner you loser and a loser make a winner.

Today was a really great day. Was nice to wake up and do stuff and see friends and see them smile and laugh and rant bedtime.

take that

2009-04-25T06:29:00.001-07:00

So how did I get so gay I wonder??? Yah, that's gotta be the wildest Saturday night in the history of the world, OF THE WORLD!!! Hahahaha yah, sitting around all evening watching crap movies that you knew were repeating like they always are. Sooo gay a million hours dressing up like a whore with a devil red feather boa the best little whorehouse in Dolly does Texas. But the pissed er the resisance is the listenng to robbie and the boys singing back for good cos that's what i am on a Saturday night in the dark with my digits on the keys yes its a nice little reminder of how I'm fond of good looking guys who can sing even though my thoughts most of the day have been pondering that one guy in particular who's always eluding excpet for this time I'm letting my imagination take flight OMFG why are all the pretty ones so flirty and hard to get.

It has been nice today to be distracted by my own thoughts and just chillaxing and still doing work. Good dogs don't sleep but one does need to get one's skin slept if one's converting a jay dub in their mind.

Eat a biscuit eat a cake hahahaha

2009-04-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Ohh lah lah, Friday night and the music is pumping pumping and ya'll is jumping jumping. Hilarious, yes yes yes am sitting in the lounge happy to be home again and happy that I live in such a gorgeous place. My neighbours announced their engagement tonight at the party of the century and i cannot believe that I'm sitting at home when the thumping and bumping and michael jackson is harumphing to the the say say say what you mean to did you ever read whump world by bill peet when you were amazingly sweet but not baby enough to repent indiscreetandimmoral too floral like the boys down the street but it doesn't mattter you hear your own voices repeat cos the world that they talk of lies at another boy's feet.

I get sad sometimes when I think about the past few weeks. I totally cannot get straight in my head (cos I;m atoatl faggarino) spelling errors and all the shit that happens all the time outside of my head.

I'm still at a loss as to what to say or to do do do or da da da but I know that just thinking about it will perpetuate all the rah rah rah so I need to just get into the world that's afar and even the one's that I can get to by car.

My own voice is drowning me at the moment.

Yah, I felt really sad tonight about my friend...because I knew that she wanted to be where we were but was still stuck away too far. But I know she's not as far as she thinks and I'm glad that I know that so that I can remind her.

Back to work and back to life and back to love and OMG how can there be another unattainable man on my horizon.

Mother fucker shit stain and what is it you CUNT FACE...like a doiley. Spotoclock.

xxx one tired tranny.

Freeking peaking

2009-02-19T03:15:00.000-08:00

Ok,

So totally the opposite and not peaking at all...actually it's more like troughs coughs rough tough day that has been totally annoying and I HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE computers cos they make life so much easier but soooooooo super-difficult.

Meltdown, not-Downtown but somewhere near the beach I am so fucking looking forward to go mincing on the beach in the mild night-time air with a beer in my fist and nothing in particular on my mind but the wet drips of sky that are running down my back and OMG that is the spunkiest guy I have seen in ages...cant believe I have never seen the beginning of kylie minogue's slow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xSLpoQdRrU apparently they were all freezing their tits off but I can think of worse ways to spend a cold day

cold water filling up our water tank lovin' liviv' in this rainy sunny one day then full of american boys the next town but yup must go enjoy the rain no brain before brain recharge sleep.

To many lives!

2009-02-15T02:17:00.000-08:00

Soooooo many lives!!!! I have most definitely peaced-out on most of them the past couple of months...at one time or another

It's like a holiday from all of myselves hahahaha. The past two weeks have been totally humid and draining raining sunning running nearly died and killed the dog running through bush bush bush in the 100 percent humidity air. But loved it cos there's nothing like living in such a gorgeous place and swimming at the top of the waterfall at the end of your street when it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo super amazing and peaceful and the tuna come to visit and enjoy as much as you do.

OMFG that was such a fun but tiring day hence I didn't really get much done though I kinda did cos I still managed to get few hours of work done and walked the dog and made some films and shizzzzzzzzzzzzz AM! BAM! I think I even....no I just remembered I did actually sleep for a rather large portion of the day... but it really was environmental emphasis on the mental did I ever telll you that I was actually raised in a boarding house with the most diverse array of people you would ever meet and even though there were only 34 rooms on a full moon you could be sure that the number was exponentially increased to the power of 3 and that's not even including all the ghosts in the closests and the fridge in the naughty girls home halfway down the hallway right next to the phone and even though you couldn't see it cos it was a hundred years ago or something like that and the showers round the corner it was the scariest part of the house MY GOD what an amazing place to grow up in I had kinda forgot.

Yup too many lives so a holiday and a slow start back to the work of making art making work about the art. on and on and on blah blah blah...

Yup, I've been slowly draggging my sorry carcass back to work over the past couple of weeks and am loving that I'm loving taking my sweet Mary time mary rose mary thyme cumin sesame seeds almonds sunflower seeds in the coffe grinder makes the yummiest dukkah and I'm totally getting the munchies right now but I really should just brush my teeth and get back to the pillows in the bed cos I'm super tired and do I totally not love that my friends Gay and Tanz make the best biscuits in Piha right now.

Yup I do. Best bday in the word again ever. It is the most bizarre thing in the world to be blissT out when your living in a washing machine and your head just agitates regurgitates comisserates in confiscating the obfuscation.

ps - did I totally not love driving around in a super sporty car with the stereo on full fucking ENVY MY MUSIC cd is the best in the world. Top down I must've totally looked like a Rich beeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaatttttt cccccccchhhhhh. Ohhhh yeahhhhhh! Hill-aryclinton-ous when did I get so gay???

working

2009-01-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been working a lot lately...not just at work work, but at everything...

...and then yesterday I had the most bizarre kinda day cos I came home from the shop and cried and cried and cried...

...and then went into my wardrobe and pulled out an old dress that I bought in 2003 and proceeded to cut it up.

OMFG. I've had that dress for a million years but have never been able to wear it, I'm too broad across my back for it. I've always wanted to do something to make it wearable but I've always been like, "whoa, don't cut it up, get it done by someone who knows what they're doing, you'll fuck it up if you try", etc etc etc.

Anyway, I really felt empowered yesterday. Over the weekend I caught up with a friend and we talked about shizz and art and shizz and art art art. Twas tre great! But as we talked I realised that words were coming out of my mouth and I could hear what they were saying.

So bizarre cos I was talking about painting, using it as an analogy for life and reflecting on ones understanding of their world...how sometimes you can have a painting and work on it for years and never be able to resolve it, then one day BAM! One brushstroke and it's the most amazing thing you ever saw. Or even better, you just wake up one day and see it with fresh eyes and BAM! It's the most amazing thing you ever saw.

BAM!

Well that was yesterday. BAM! All of a sudden a whole lot of things clicked and in my head and I saw a person I really liked and admired.

And it was me.

And I was really surprised cos all of a sudden I've realised that the past year of intense self scrutiny has done this totally wicked thing. I've really started to see myself. Sooooooo liberating. Man, self-portraitutre's a betch and I love her.

Don't ditch the betch Rich!!! The best advice anyone ever gave me fo sho!

If I can learn to make ideas in my head into tangible similacrum; think about a picture in my head and then paint it with my hands; learn to be a good artist, then surely it must be possible for me to apply that to my life, especially being a performance artist who really fucken digs space.

It seems like I just resolved this canvas I've been living with for for nearly 33 years... and I really feel like I can realise my potential. I feel like soo many things have contributed to my negative self image in the past, especially my black ass. My context has been completely shaped by other peoples minds and expectations and even though I could always see it happening I could do nothing about it. Yesterday I opened the door to my home after work and it was like the brush-stroke that made me think I could finally shape my own reality.

No wonder I've been tired lately, it's been hard work.

ps, my new dress is going to be fucking AMAZING!!!

What? That was just one year?

2009-01-01T01:54:00.000-08:00

Soooo, how much can a person actually fit into one year? OMG, yay for the new one...this time I might be a little more organised about life and what-not.

It's amazing what the effects of a controlled trashy night can have. Yay, time for bed. I'm setting my sights high as a betch on beth...it's nice to actually feel optimistic for a change.

Slack-ass black-ass

2008-12-29T03:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, I feel like I've been a bit of a slack-ass lately kinda doing bits and pieces of work here and there but not really finishing anything.

BAM! All of a sudden I'm in panic mode about not doing enough!!!!! AAAAAArrrrrgggggghhhhh...

So I've been trying to have a bit of a holiday the past couple of weeks, while not really having a holiday at all. It makes work soooooo much more fun when you're part of the holiday festivities. I don't think there's been a single day where I haven't done something toward my practice in ages...I can't even remember how long. But sucky, I wish I had a switch that I could flick to make me not constantly think about all the damn work I've brought down on myself. Oh well, nobody said that life/art was easy...in fact they said the opposite. So sucky. It's like being under a constant microscope where you just monitor yourself the whole time and then see if you can understand your own behaviour...or why you think the way you do...where it all comes from and how you manifest it in your art...and then how you can maipulate it all to get what you want out of it. Well that's how it is for me. It's intense sometimes.

Anyway, in a noble effort I have managed to work from the beach on many days recently. Yup, there's nothing like leaving the lap-top at home and heading down to the beach with a book about editing and trying like fuck to figure out what all the technical jargon means and then trying to commit it to memory so that I can try it out when I get home. Note to self: "does not really work...too many distractions". So yeah, the beach didn't work so well because once I'm in the sun that's it. Day over. Yah...

So yet again it's like a million o'clock and I'm still trying to make haaaaaaay when the sun don't shine and my back aches from sitting in front of this terminal terminal for far to far too (Esitulay) long and already I'm dreading tomorrow because I know it's just another day that'll be over far to far to soon and when 5.30am of the last day of the year rolls around I'll be thinking fuck I didn't never ever did get anywhere enough done and I'll feel like shit in advance for berating myself for being so slack whilst continuing to get a shit-load done without realising it.

Where's the cord for the stop light...I want to get off for a while.

ps- I learnt to surf on the weekend...um, did I not looooovve it!!!! Need a boyfriend, the sea is full of hot guys this time of year. Yay

Time for a break

2008-12-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

So I must be pre-menstral or something cos I've been in such a foul mood. I think I'm just over everything at the moment. So bizzare cos in my daily interactions I feel fine. I laugh and joke and socialise...

but in my head I am so annoyed!!!

When I think back on this year I can kinda see why. It has been a really long year and I'm really tired.

It surprises me when I remember that I was living in Vancouver this time last year, and then moved back to Aotearoa for a few months, back to the US for a month, then to Vancouver for a few more long months...especially long when I remember that I wasn't working, wasn't eating (cos I couldn't afford to), was trying to make art, was trying to research, was living in a one bedroom apartment with 5 other people and a chihuahua, was doing a shit-load of fun...people people people people...and then, of course moving back to where I am now...

Piha. I love it here. It's quiet, sunny, rainy, green...very old, just like the home of my heart, Ohinemutu raua ko Tarawera Maunga.

Yup, even though I'm a socailiser from waaaaaay back I've begun to realise that I actually need, and perhaps even prefer, a whole lot of quiet time to be able to just think.

I've had too many distractions lately and haven't been able to think and I haven't had any alone time to enjoy just chilling out by myself. I've been accused of being stand-offish, often. I can think of a whole lot of reasons why, in that I'm often unsure of what to say or do around people I don't know. In that I'm probably a whole lot more introverted than I appear to be. In that I like to just sit quietly and observe. In that I'm quite guarded. In that I need to focus on making art because it's the only thing in my life that truly gives me the voice I feel I am not allowed to have.

Lots of reasons...

I went for a walk on the beach last night, as I like to when there's no-one else around. I cried..., swore, danced, sang, smiled, laughed, dreamed, looked at the stars, created new worlds new art, and talked an internal dialogue that went on for hours. Sometimes I was angry and said fuck off to the world for constantly telling me I was "wrong"....too brown, too gay, too stupid, too fat, too ugly, too not normal. Other times I laughed and felt special because I know that there are so many things I do really well, that if I can think something in my head then I can make it with my own hands. There were times when I felt free, soooooo absolutely free that I could just twirl and twist and sway and gyrate and sing the words to the millions of songs that I know by heart, songs that I can pick out of a chorus of sounds in a heart-beat...fucked if know how!!!

I celebrated me. I defended me. I advocated for me. I even loved me. I thought about my body and loved every part of it. I imagined my face and I recognised and coveted every hollow, every bump, every hard angle, every soft smooth surface, every wrinkle, every hair.

I really like me.

I really love me.

But then in the world of light, te ao marama, all those joyous and profund and proud and indignant and loud and insightful and saubriously sensual parts of me fade. It becomes so incrediby difficult to see myself or hear myself or like myself even. I feel like a pauper, like an outcast. Unwanted even by me.

People in the world, strangers, talk to me with looks of disdain on their faces....those people almost spit at me with their words and demands. I know exactly what they think half the time because I can see it clear on their faces, clear on their body's reactions as they keep their distance and emote and emit fear, disgust...an unjust jury of strangers. So I wear nice clothes...and then I feel objectified and belittled. So I wear a ridiculous mask and transform my face and body into something completely different. A different person only a semblance of who I am...but then I suddenly become ths pair of legs that fascinate the eyes that caress and envy them. Just a piece of meat and greet. A laugh and a smile witha set of perfect teeth. A joke and a twisted facsimilie.

I'm lucky I have amazing friends who love me like I should love myself. They make me feel sooo good about myself. They tell me how caring I am, how generous I am, how gorgeous I am, how talented I am...we all reflect each other perfectly. We are beautiful people.

The me I am and the me I appear to be are two completely different people.

This year I have tried to be the me I am as much as I can...no wonder I'm tired and annoyed. It has been an effort.

Time for a holidaaaaaaaaayyyy yyyyyaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!

yaha.

2008-12-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

Sunny Saturdays.

Um, so I think I'm really enjoying the fact that the sun is out all day long, tho of course it also means that so are the trashy people from the city over the hill. Yesterday we found a sandcastle made of empty beer bottles...

Some people are fucked in the head

Anyway, far be it from me to bitch about shizz all day long. I'm too busy trying to get a life!
What's new...um er not much.

I've kinda been a bit tired over the past couple of weeks . I suppose the year of insanity has been catching up with me...finally. So yah, lots of trying to change my sleeping patterns so I don't get home from the store and craaaaasssssshhhhh!!! Yah, instead I've started taking the dog down to the beach for a lil' play in the surf. So much fun to just race around with a stick and go fetch....Anahera enjoys it too.

Last weekend was a bit crapola, with the weather changing and lots of other stuff going on I wasn't sleeping too well, hence one grumpy hoit tranny mess! Yup, I nearly instigated a tired old tranny day at the store on Wednesday but it seems that I was neither tired nor tranny enough to do so. Oh well, there'll be plenty of other opportunities I suppose.

What else? Art yah! Kinda been doing lots of bitsy things all over the place (by all over the place I mean house. Trying to keep everything contained is a mission and a half, but I suppose that as long as the end result equates to fab it's all good. I borrowed a camera from uni for the week to play around with and take some photos and stuff, so that has been fun. Unfortunately I'm not clever when it comes to technology so I haven't managed to find some kind of software on the net that makes it possible for me to get all the shizz from the camera to my laptop. Oh well.

rah rah rah.

ps - it's nearly impossible to be grumpy and surly when the sun is shining but I have been trying.

Cleanliness is next to godliness...too bad I'm a heathen native.

2008-10-13T02:41:00.000-07:00

So, it's way past my bed-time but I thought I had better at least stick to doing something I've scheduled...even though I've been on this damned computer for a million years tonight!!!

I woke up feeling like shit, but managed to get through the day without crying...I was close to it a few times!!! I sooo, don't know why I feel like crap but I think that writing about about at least is something good. Perhaps it's like having a voice when I don't feel like I have one. Who knows.

But yah, I think having written words last night kinda solidified a few things in my brain, like perhaps I am a bit depressed. Urgh! But, writing it down maybe made me spend the day thinking about why and then coming up with possible solutions for possible reasons...like, if I'm lonely then I need to find a strategy to meet new people, like, if I feel like shit then I should talk to my friends about it (at the very least), like if I'm not not feeling so great about the way I look then to get a haircut and a new outfit or something...although that's not particularly empowering is it, because again I'm falling into the trap of measuring how I look against some kind of norm

What the fuck is normal!!!

Anyway, I worked like a mother-fucker at the store today and did a million things (and ate a shit-load of biscuits and sugary yummy food) and then came home and vaccumed the lounge, cleaned the windows, cleaned my room and vaccumed, did laundry, organised my shizzola that has been lying in various parts of my room for a million years and basically feel a whole lot better.

Tomorrow I've decided to stay home and just write this damned essay and be productive. It looks like the weather's gonna be fine so I can sit in a nice clean house, open the doors out onto the deck and just work it out betch!

11pm, time to go to bed since I promised Claire that I'd go running at 6am.

xxx

Ick

2008-10-12T04:05:00.000-07:00

So, The end of the school holidays has just come. Yay!!! Although not really yay because even though I had my nephews here with me over the past weekend I wish they had been able to stay longer.

Sux to be me.

Acutally, I've been feeling a little yuck over the past week and kinda thought that having my nephews here to spend time with me me would've made me feel heaps happier. Well I suppose I was really happy having them here cos I love them so much, but still I feel this hollow pit, perhaps because I realised last night that I feel quite lonely. I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night thinking about how much it sucked only having them here for the weekend and not being around them all the time. I think people with kids are so lucky. I don't want kids of my own...I don't think. I'm glad that I get to invest all my aroha into my sisters' children and I've always felt like they're just as much my kids as theirs. But then, at the end of the day I feel sad because they're not mine.

Yah, been feeling really off lately. I sooo don't think this schedule thing is working out and I wonder why I felt like I needed it in the first place. Maybe I've been trying to find ways to get the things I want in life, but then the whole of last week I kept on thinking about why try and fix something that isn't broken in the first place. I feel like I manage quite well, but then I stop and start to look at who I am and what I have in life and it's hard to find things to name...or perhaps, it's that I find it hard to convince myself that they're real or worthwhile. I mean; I look nice. I have an alright body. I'm clever. I tend to be able to make things that I dream up out of nothing, something...and not easy things either. I think I have all these things that make me seem a certain way, successful might perhaps be a good word to describe how I might look. But then compared to who and on what kinds of scales? I have few material possesions. I have no money. I still feel pretty ugly most of the time.

I feel empty, and I know I don't look empty but I feel like I am. I think that maybe I feel empty quite a lot and that I'm really good at pretending that not empty inside...so good in fact that I convince myself eternally that I'm a happy person.

Lately I don't feel so happy and I wonder if I'm starting to really see myself. I know lots about me...I suspect lots about me, but lately I'm thinking that the me I make out to be is not really me at all.

Two nights in a row bawling my eyes out, berating myself the whole time for crying over nothing. But then, I hardly ever cry...I find it really hard to cry normally. So why am I feeling so fucked up at the moment????? I keep waking up hoping that I'll feel better in the morning but I haven't really been.

I need to ask for help I think.

I need a holiday.

2008-10-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

Urgh! Tired and looking forward to going to bed. Kinda stuck to my schedule but my work roster changed so I shuffled things round a bit. Also, trying to organise my nephews to come and stay for the weekend took AGES!!! Work was beige...because it was work, but it was nice to finish at 3.30pm and then take a walk down at the betch with Claire. Anyway, tomorrow is my day making art so I'm looking forward to being creative. I'm supposed to get up at 6am for a run but I'll see if that happens or not. Actually, maybe I should try to get this schedule thing happening properly...so yeah, as long as this computer is off and I'm in bed by 9.30 it may just happen.

Hmmm.

Oh shit gurl, I'm over it today so maybe I should just fuckoffsky now. Yah, good idea. I'm full of those!

ps - I think with it being busier at the store and me being tired lately I'm starting to feel a lot more like the betch I am. Sometimes it feels like it takes ages to get anywhere.

Why am I working in a store? Because I can eat as much as I want there and I even get paid to do it. Sounds pretty good to me. I really need to start working on how to integrate my paid work with my practice...that way it won't seem like such a chore perhaps? That's why I need to stick to my schedule I suppose, so that I can find ways to make it all fit together.

Being an artist is hard, but so is living so yah, why not make it all one and the same. I'm having ideas...totally time to go to sleep.

2008-10-07T02:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so managed to get to the end of today kinda sticking to my schedule, although I slept in late and only managed about hrs research time. I ended up shuffling my day around anyway because of the power cut that meant I had to resort to writing stuff down with a pen and paper and using a book as a reference...whoa, so old-school...hahahaha. Yeah, still managed to kinda stick to what I had planned for the day but then with no internet, no music, no transport, no fucken idea what's a Maori to do. Hmmmmm.

Hey, but then I did manage to get a fair bit of writing done, regardless of the fun and games that was going on around me with my friends and flatmates playing cards (and did I mention that they were having fun). I' m like some kind of 'seriously trying to improve one's lot' person at the moment. Urgh, I'm waaaaaay to used to to just rocking and rolling and what not, so maybe all this trying to stick to a schedule isn't such a bad idea...we'll see. Time for bed. An early morning start tomorrow. ick.

And!!! I also managed a run today, and to get the laundry washed and dried, and cooked a yumola dessert, prepared mostly in the dark...the power came back on just before I was about to try and cook it in the fireplace or on the bbq. I must've really wanted that dessert aye! And I think I may have even been able to link this blog thing to mhy facebook page. Blah blah blah. Maybe I'm a lot more adaptable than I think I am????

Whoa, so weird.

2008-10-06T02:08:00.000-07:00

So I kinda feel like I should've been doing this for ages. I suppose I kinda have been writing a journal...although not very good at filling it in or even remembering that I've got one. I think I might do a cut 'n' paste of that. It's weird to write like this cos I don't really know who I''m writing to. I suppose just writing anything has got to be cathartic. I think I'm going to try not to correct things as I write them, Although it;s hard not to go back and make correctuuins. woops - what;s atranny to do ( fuck i just did it)!!! I'm even wondering if I shoule just write and not evern thnk about wha is coming cout. why not , who's mkarking this? No-one, so probably awesome that I just write drivvel. I love that word. And also, I can't help myself, I have3 tto keep going back and correcting mhy mistakes. FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK.

So finally I am working iot out betch. Don;t ask me how but all of a sudden I feel like I aam geting some skills or figuring out how to make things work. So I even sat down last night and wrote a dailyu scedule in my calendar. So far I've fucked it up all day. But! In my defense, My computer was being a mother-fucker this morning!!! It wouldn't work properly and then after work it started crapping out again. (So I've decided that I'm allowed to go back and correct mistakes and that I should stop putting rules and restrictions on myself) So, it wasn't until after 10 pm that I finally got the thing working again. So somehow I'm trying alter my bedtime by an hour, stay up later than I had diarised (is that even a word) and try and squish a whole lot of tasks into that hour. I just reread that and I think I begin sentences with so quite a lot. I wonder if I talk like I write. I'll have to ask someone. I like that I can color words in. a bit time comsumng though but there must be a shortcut to get the thingee to pop up. So yeah, sqishing blog and facebook and email and essay time all into this isn't really working but if I can navigate and find some funkly little button to attach my blog to my facebook that will kill two birds. Also I had written in to write my plays that have ben lying in a dormant state for like a million years and so this can kinda count I suppose because I'm being creative (insetr question mark here). So trying to work it out and still got a way to go. Especially since I know for certain that I am not going to be up at 6am to go for a run...hmmm, maybe I might be up then. But I am sooo not going to be up. We'll see. I'll know for certain tomorrow when I write this again. Idiot